its there

She reins over my thoughts

Its a lot like love

And its very very far off

When I ask myself who I want to be

She’s there

She reins over me

Far far away

Madness Is a Good Thing

John Nash suggests that irrational thought actually has its benefits. Discussing his recovery from schizophrenia, Nash remarks that it is not "entirely a matter of joy" for him. He explains: "One aspect of this is that rationality of thought imposes a limit on a person's concept of his relation to the cosmos"

Let your love flow outward through the universe, To its height, its depth, its broad extent, A limitless love, without hatred or enmity. Then as you stand or walk, Sit or lie down, As long as you are awake, Strive for this with a one-pointed mind; Your life will bring heaven to earth. - Sutta Nipata

In the end, everything is a gag.
- Charlie Chaplin

what can you say?

"What is the appropriate behavior for a man or a woman in the midst of this world, where each person is clinging to his piece of debris? What's the proper salutation between people as they pass each other in this flood? " - Buddha

Fucked if I know.

To knock a thing down, especially if it is cocked at an arrogant angle, is a deep delight of the blood.
- George Santayana

who wants to know.

feeling real empty
too many dreams about married men
you ever get the feeling
you were born to be everyone you meets mistake

Mother fucking masterpiece

blue children: gathered in a mirror
hard to remember intelligence,
amazing interiors of crumbled castles
weigh the heavy heads of coy observers
on the light-weight of joy filled hearts
like the dips of a camel
foresight comes and sums
through at throught
threw my bone
never want to be left alone
now
snow
rein,
rain.

she lights the lanterns

in a town she swore was dead
she lights the way home

her weariness is a surprise to the lost
what would she have to despair

she the last giant left in a town of statues and tiny bleeding hearts

when your eyes fall between the folds of her fleshy shield
overwhelming waves of pain and sadness hold your breath at attention

hard to look again once its happened

it's hard to do

Breaking up...
well what can i say
the last person-- the only person
i actually broke up with was "Jock Boy"
in 8th grade
that was over ten years ago.
all other relationships i've had forced them to do it.
slow methodical torture
what a treat i am

but i might be able to keep this one as a friend
maybe still a lover
i do love him
it sucks that he was unable to step it up
maybe someday

my mind is made up and i'll never let you in again

fuck me.

making time

"I gave way to delight, as mystics have for centuries when they peeked through the curtains and discovered that this world- so manifestly real was actually a tiny stage set constructed by the mind. We discover abruptly that everything we accept as reality is just social fabrications. - Timothy Leary, 1966

i'm so burnt out... with all the staging.
what am i going to do with all this time?

ten years
in ten years all the people i know will be married
except me

it surprising that everyone wants to get married
kind of a shocker really

it seems like there would be more people like me

how do you mentally prepare for a solitary life?
i don't do the god thing so monks, nuns, hermits can keep their meditations
this one life isn't the other.

something more interesting than sex...

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
- Aldous Huxley

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance.
- Ray Bradbury

well as it turns out i'm an idiot. ha.

seriously.

i'm getting out of my rut. and my rutting.

times too short for half-assed hunting.

i think my intern just asked me on a date.
i can't be certain without making a fool out of myself though.
he's nice. i actually want to go.

strange. i have to get out of my current relationship.
i love the guy but he give me as much help as a child.
i'm not a mother by choice.
i don't want to lose a friend
again
but this has got to stop.
i need to begin a real life.

She writes

listing to illegal radio
wondering who it is
why she writes
why she can't spell anything the first time
blanking out at trying to answer her own questions
the voice in her
talking thinking writing
noting lists to do to finish something
insecurity is obvious what else is there
how to break down a mind that is
locked in cement
seems
like it should be simple.